There was a time I didn’t like the word “feminine.” Because before I considered myself a Military Wife, my focus was on being a Professional Woman. And Professional Women had to compete in the Man’s World. And in the Man’s World, aka, the corporate world, acting feminine, at least in my experience, usually meant accepting second place. And I really didn’t like that position.
So I tried to compete with the guys. I wore the red blazers; I was aggressive in the staff meetings. I wasn’t afraid to speak my mind or express my point of view. But I soon discovered that only got me ugly looks and annoyed stares from the women I worked with.
Then I thought that perhaps I needed to soften up. Be more feminine. So I started dressing softer, and trying to be softer. But the day I showed up to a corporate speaking training one weekend wearing a pale pink sweater and flowing long skirt, the female trainer promptly pulled me aside and suggested I think about red blazers.
Huh? I was so confused.
That confusion stayed with me even after I left the corporate world behind and came home to write and lead a ministry. How could I lead and still be lead by my husband? How could I pursue my calling and still be willing to follow, all lady-like and demure? And is that even what real biblical femininity looks like? It was a bumpy tight rope I walked, one that I admittedly didn’t walk very well. Especially in heels.
It can be challenging, though, to pursue God’s best when so often the world coaxes us to settle for less. Or what’s easier. Or a lot more attractive by society’s standards. Today, we’re told, women can do it all. And by themselves if they choose.
At church, it’s not unusual to hear wives, when asked how many children they have, to include their husbands in the number.
As the founder of a ministry for military wives, I often hear the question from women young and old – “how do I let my husband be the head of our household when he’s gone for a year at a time, multiple times?”
And even when we as wives do everything we can, we may have husbands who are not interested in being the spiritual leaders of our homes.
I recently spent an entire year attempting to pursue the traits of the Proverbs 31 wife. This woman is the super wife so many of us wish we could be, and the woman we want our husbands to see in us.
But instead of being the domestic diva I thought I could become, I ended up learning an entirely different set of lessons. That it was less about the tasks I performed, and more about my heart. It was less about finishing off a to-do list, and more about changing my attitude. My perspective. That experience – rather, that experiment, as I called it – changed my whole view of what it meant to be a wife, and a mother, and took me much closer to understanding what biblical femininity looks like.
God has called us to a higher standard.
I think a lot about the verse in Jeremiah that says “I chose you before I formed you in the womb; I set you apart before you were born…” (Jeremiah 1:5). I often encourage military wives to remember that before they knew they would be military wives, God did. I think we can also apply this as wives in general. Before we knew we would be wives and for some of us, mothers, God knew. And He set us apart for these roles, and He has given us the opportunity to be blessings to our families.
As women who are in relationship with Him, He has called us to a higher standard, and a higher purpose. It can be tempting sometimes to look at other women in our culture – celebrities or just friends we see on Facebook, and shake our heads in shock and disgust at their attitudes or behavior or choice of dress (or lack thereof). But if they don’t know God – if they don’t have that committed relationship with Christ – then what is their standard to live by? It’s what society dictates. Or whatever goes at the moment. And yet, our guideline, our guidebook, those of us who know God, comes from what God’s Word says. And that’s where we can show the difference. To our families. To our friends. To the people around us. In gentle love, as well as quiet confidence that can only come from knowing Christ.
…By seeking to bring our husbands good and not harm. For a long time, I did not intentionally seek out to bring my husband good. I didn’t intentionally mean to bring him harm, either, but I was very focused on my wants, my needs, and my happiness. But God has taught me during the last year what it means to really live out this verse (Proverbs 31:12), in a way that has brought some wonderful blessings to our marriage and to our family life. For while my husband is called by God to lead our family, I’ve been called to inspire and encourage that calling. Through the words I use (or don’t use), the peace and kindness I share (or don’t share), and the motivation and encouragement I pass on.
…By focusing on God’s thoughts over our own. Lately, I’ve been applying Philippians 4:8 towards my life as a wife and a mom. “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable – if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise – dwell on these things.”
Biblical femininity starts from within. It’s less about dress, or behavior, or actions and more about the heart. Because when the heart is right, the rest falls into place. And the heart is right when it’s focused on the things of God.
…By demonstrating Christ’s love by example to our families. As women, we are such an influence on our families, for better or for worse. When we seek with all our hearts to follow Christ and His example, setting the temperature in our homes to be a peaceful one, showing love and providing an environment that allows that love to grow, God uses our influence for His good.
As women in relationship with God, we are called to follow His lead, to demonstrate His likeness through our actions, words and presence. There is no greater calling.
Sara Horn is an author, speaker and founder of Wives of Faith, a faith-based military wives ministry. Her most recent book, My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife, tells the story of her one-year experiment following Proverbs 31. Visit her website at sarahorn.com.
Want to win a copy of her book? Sara is giving away a copy of her book, My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife, to one lucky reader of HiveResources.com. To enter to win, simply leave a comment before midnight Friday, Oct. 21. Contest has ended.
Winner from Random.org is:
Winners (1)
1st: HEATHER MCDEVITT
Congratulations Heather! I’ll be emailing you shortly! Thank you to all who participated!
I would love to read this book. I myself wonder how I fit in the role of the Virtuous Woman. Your words are truly inspiring.
I would love to get this book. I am really struggling as a wife and mother.
Very good blog. I have had to take inventory of my attitude a lot this year and the other 10 years that I have been married. I have learned that if I focus on what God has called me to be “wife and mother” and do so with Christ in mind that life seems to be a little easier. The world offers so many messages of making ourselves happy at whatever cost that it is sometimes hard not to get selfish and seek other things to make us happy.
Thank you for your message.
I would love to win this book. After 40 years of marriage there just might be some new things for me to learn. Congratulations on your book Sara.
Loved this message & can’t wait to read the book! Thanks for doing what your called by God to do!
As a wife, mother, and Soldier I find is difficult to be a Godly Feminine woman and still take charge in my job and then step back when I get home. I am in a fairly unique situation with my husband being the stay at home parent and me working. He is a great dad and husband but sometimes I feel that I am taking the leadership role from him and it will eventually affect our relationship. I think reading this book could really help me in my life.
Before I became a wife and mother I didn’t understand the power of influence I could have in those roles. As the years have passed, I continue to grow and have a greater understanding of God’s calling for me as a wife and mother. It is an incredible privilege and responsibility to be called to that higher standard! I would love to gain more insight to Sara’s journey and the lessons she learned along the way. I always love reading anything she writes!!! She has an amazing gift from God!
I had thought that by the time I reached the age I am I would have become the “Proverbs 31” woman, but still learning and growing. It’s a constant and deliberate battle to be set apart from our culture. But we perservere and keep trying to grow in our love for God, our families and others. Would love to read this book.
I recently ( 3 weeks ago) asked my husband to leave because he admitted to seeing someone else for the last year. It’s been an emotional 3 weeks for me. I know that the choices he’s made have nothing to do with me but it’s still very devistating to me & our family. I also have a 16 year old daughter that I’d love to share the book with.
Thanks for sharing, the Jeremiah 1:5 verse is one of my favorite. I use it often in training my two girls in becoming godly women!
I would love to win a copy of the book ‘My So Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife’ by Sara Horn….and I believe a wife should be her husband’s equal by his side in life and vise versa…………babyruthmac16@yahoo.com
As a single woman, in my mid 40’s, raising my almost 5 year old Grandson, I want nothing more than my Lord and Savior to be my Ultimate Passion and True Love and I strive everyday to make that so. What I second most is to be able raise this amazing boy with TWO parents striving to do so: and would love insight as to how to be the wife and partner God intended so He will bring the man and husband He has reserved for me! Thank you and congratulations on YOUR journey!
Love all of your blogs that your write about being a Proverbs 31 wife. I don’t think that I am and could surely use a lot of help in that area. Your book sounds like just the ticket for it.
Many thanks and God Bless.
I really enjoy Sara’s writing and would love a copy of the book 🙂
Would love to win this book..:) God bless and thanks for sharing..
Would love to win this book…thanks for sharing..:) God bless
It would be a blessing to win this book and to read it and share with all the women in my life!!
BTW…Tomarrow is my Birthday..so it would be an awesome Bday gift! lol..God bless!
still working on grappling with and grasping that fact, that he had a purpose for me before i was born… & what that looks like BY being a woman! and it seems to continue to unfold and surprise me as the months go by– sometimes at lightening speed that I wonder how can i keep up with His (what to me seems NEW) version of it…
The book seems like an answer to many women’s prayers… I’m not a wife, yet. I grew up a military confused child. My dad retired military 30 years. Moving every 3 yrs. was very difficult, never wanted to get too close to form friendships to only get ripped away in another 2-3 yrs. Mortified to start new schools, in the U.S. and overseas. I grew up with a fear of rejection, I built walls and didn’t realize until my dad retired and we bought our first house while I was just starting high school… I’m not sure if anyone knows what I’m talking about but imagine traveling all your life to settle in a community where everyone went to pre-school, elementary, junior high, and now high school together. I dressed differently, talked differently, and saw things a whole lot differently than my new peers. I accepted Jesus when I was 27, I’m now 42 and God has called me to be a wife, but I don’t even now how to be single. I am in the corp. world, and I find myself confused as to even attempt to be a Proverbs 31 wife…. Help!!!
I think the Proverbs 31 verse is the most powerful verse in the Bible for any female. Having said that I would love to read this book, and gain introspect, as well as learn to be a virtuous woman in this day and age. It would be hard to live the rules from Proverbs 31 in this time in Society, but having it translated and adopted to this day and age would be a wonderful inspiration to help me live my life by God’s rules as I should every day. I try, but it’s really hard adapting old rules and regulations to the lives we live today. This would also help
I’m always up for another great book. Thanks for the opportunity!
i would love to read your book. I am a divorced mom raising 2 teenage girls and i would like to be the best role model possible. Thank you for the opportunity!
Sounds good! I’d love to win!
Sara Horn has encouraged me over and over again as a military wife and mother. Her desire to share her experiences and love for the Lord through the written word is a gift from the Lord. I have read her book “God Strong” and it was at a time that my family was going through our second deployment. I was so encouraged from the words of that book. Now, I am in a different season in my life, and want to be more of the wife and mother that God has called me to be.